Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
