i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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