Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize