Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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