I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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