Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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