Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
