I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
