I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
