So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
