I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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