im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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