good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How many fucks given?
0.12846
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
