Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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