I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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