I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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