I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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