Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
