We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize