so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
