hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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