I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
