I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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