I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
