Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
