So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
