Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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