What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
