You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
