you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
