Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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