Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
