I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
