you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
