I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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