News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
