think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
