Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
