Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
two words...techno handjob
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
