we have officially lost it.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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