I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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