your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You can't special order awesome
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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