are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
