Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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