the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize