When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
