I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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