Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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