Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
