Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
