it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
