So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why do cheetos always look like penises
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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