I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
