what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
